This One's on All of Us

Last week I wrote about why the best player at 9 is so rarely the best player at 18 — and how a lot of what looks like "talent" at young ages is really just an early growth spurt wearing a jersey. I also said plainly that coaches share the blame for that, because we're often the ones chasing wins with the biggest and fastest kid in the group.

That's still true. I'm not saying it isn’t, however, I believe there’s more to it.

A few conversations after that article made me realize the fix isn't just "coaches, do better." It takes the whole village pulling the same direction — coaches, parents, and yes, even the kids themselves, in the ways that are actually theirs to carry. Nobody gets to “opt out” of this one.

What's On Coaches

I'll start here since it's the part I have the most control over and get to actually live. If I'm building an environment around results at nine, ten, eleven years old, I am the one creating the exact bias we talked about last week. I'm the one who plays the bigger kid more minutes because it's the path of least resistance to winning on weekends. Nobody forces that decision on me. That's on me to fix, every single week, regardless of what any parent on the sideline wants.

So: coaches have to actually build the environment we say we believe in. Not just say the words "development over winning" and then coach like it's a championship every weekend. This doesn’t mean we don’t necessarily “care” about winning, but we’ll talk more about this another time.

What's On Parents

Here's where parents come in — and it's a real, significant part.

You have to actually choose to put your kid in an environment that isn't prioritizing winning too early. And then — this is the harder part — you have to be willing to live inside that choice on the weekends. I've watched parents pick a club that says all the right things about development, and then the same parents treat a league game like a World Cup final. Screaming at referees. Making the car ride home about the result instead of the effort.

You can't ask a coach to build a patient, development-first environment and then bring a win-at-all-costs temperature to the sideline every weekend. Those two things cancel each other out.

And especially at the younger ages, parents carry something coaches can't fully replace: you're the one talking to your kid at breakfast, in the car, before bed. You're the one who can reinforce — constantly, in small moments — that this is supposed to be fun. That's not a small job. That's arguably the most important communication happening in a young player's whole week, and it's happening nowhere near the coaches.

What's On the Player

And even the kids carry a piece of this, in a way that's appropriate for their age.

Enjoying the game, competing hard in every way, being a good teammate — that's theirs. Nobody can hand a kid genuine love for this sport. We can create the conditions for it, but the kid still has to show up and actually engage with it. As players get a little older, that piece grows — taking ownership of their own habits, their own effort, their own attitude when things aren't going their way.

At nine, that looks different than it does at fifteen. But even a nine-year-old can be taught: winning isn't the goal today. Getting better and having fun is.

Trust the Growth that Doesn’t Show Up in the “W” Column

Here's the part that ties all three of these together. A kid is growing even during the stretches where they're not having success. Growth doesn't pause just because the scoreboard or the depth chart doesn't reflect it yet.

I wrote a couple issues back about planting seeds. This is exactly that. The seed is still growing underground during the part where nobody can see anything happening above the surface. If everyone involved — coach, parent, and player — is only watching for wins and standout moments as proof of progress, everyone is going to miss almost all of the actual progress. Most of it happens quietly, in exactly the stretches that feel the most discouraging.

What to Actually Prioritize

At the younger ages especially, here's what all three of us should be measuring instead of results: fun, development, and belonging.

Is the kid enjoying this? Are they getting better — even in ways that don't show up in a stat line, like their first touch, their scanning, their comfort on the ball? Do they feel like they belong on this team, with this group?

If the answer to those three is yes, everyone's doing their job — regardless of what the record says.

That's it for this week. See you next Monday.

— Coach Frim

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