You Can’t Coach Everyone the Same Way.

I listen to the Diary of a CEO podcast frequently, and a few months ago, one of my favorite coaches hopped on the pod — Steven Bartlett had Jurgen Klopp on and honestly it was one of the best conversations about leadership I've heard in a long time.

Klopp said something during that podcast that really stuck with me. He talked about how he couldn't treat every player the same way. That about 50% of the time everyone gets treated equally — the standards, the expectations, the work rate required. But the other 50%? That's individual. That's personal. That's based on who that person is, where they come from, and what they're carrying.

He even talked about a player who came to him frustrated and said "why do you treat me differently than him?" And Klopp's response was essentially — because he grew up with nothing and you grew up with everything. You really want me to treat you the same?

That resonated with me deeply. Because whether you're a coach, a parent, a teammate, or a player — we all live this reality every single day. The people around us are carrying different things. Coming from different places. Fighting different battles. And how we show up for them has to reflect that.

I've lived and will continue to live that exact conversation on the sideline and in the “real world”.

I had a player on one of my teams who went to an inner city school. Eight people living under one roof in a house built for a single family. This kid was working as many hours as he could outside of soccer just to help himself and his family get by. He was carrying things that most of his teammates couldn't even imagine on their worst day.

On the other side of that same team I had players who hadn't had to fight for anything yet. Kids who hadn't faced real hardship or adversity. Life had been smooth and soccer was just another part of it. Thankfully, our club is full of players who are very accepting and considerate of those who are considered less fortunate.

But please tell me — how do you coach those two kids the same way?

With my inner city player I made sure that when he showed up, he felt it. Not in a soft way — I still got on him when I needed to. I still held him to the same standards when he was on that field. But I gave him grace in the moments that were outside of his control. I made sure he was always kept in the loop on what we were working on even when life made it hard for him to be there. Because I understood what he was dealing with. And that understanding changed how I communicated with him.

That's where Klopp's point about feedback becomes everything.

Because it's not just about how much grace you give. It's about how you communicate. How you deliver the hard stuff. The player who has been carrying real weight his whole life doesn't receive feedback the same way as the player whose path has been smooth. And if you deliver it the same way to both — you might end up losing one of them.

Klopp said it better than I ever could. He said the most important conversations he had with his players weren't the tactical meetings or the team talks. They were the private ones. And in those conversations he learned something that changed how he coached — "It's not so important what you say. It's much more important what they need to hear. It's not telling them what they want to hear. No, what they need to hear to deal with their situation."

Read that again. Because that's everything.

And then he said this — "Without asking, you will never find out. So here's one guy with a problem. Here's another guy, he's flying. Don't treat them the same. The one needs more support and the other one you need to bring down a little bit."

And this doesn't just live on the soccer field. Think about how you communicate with the people around you — your kid, your teammate, your coach. Before you say anything, ask yourself — do I actually know what this person is carrying right now?

The kid carrying real weight doesn't need to be broken down. He needs to be built up while being held accountable. The kid who hasn't faced adversity yet might actually need someone to challenge him in a way nobody in his life ever has. The feedback is different. The tone is different. The timing is different. But the standard — that never changes.

You can hold everyone to the same bar. You absolutely should. But how you get each person to that bar — that's where the real coaching happens.

That's where you either lose them or earn them for life.

Next week we're going deeper on feedback — specifically how to deliver the hard kind in a way that actually makes your players better instead of shutting them down.

See you Monday.

— Coach Frim

P.S. — Go listen to that Klopp episode on the Diary of a CEO. Whether you're a coach, a parent, or a player — there's something in it for you.