Not All Losses Are Created Equal

Here's something I've learned, or maybe gained an opinion on, over the years — the way you process a loss can sometimes depend on the type of loss it was.

There are losses where if you're being honest with yourself, you probably deserved to lose. Maybe the other team was just better. Maybe your team wasn't ready. In those moments the reflection goes deeper. Were we presenting our players with enough problems in training? Did we prepare well enough for this specific opponent? What are we not giving them that they clearly needed out there? Those losses are humbling and they should be. They push you to be better as a coach.

Then there are losses that sting differently — the ones where you probably didn't deserve to lose. A game slipped away in the final minutes. Details weren't taken care of. Standards weren't met in a moment that mattered. Those losses call for a different kind of conversation. Less about what we're missing and more about the standard we've set and whether we're living up to it.

But here's the thing — the common denominator in both is reflection. Not excuses. Not finger pointing. Just an honest look at where the areas of growth are for yourself and for the team.

For me personally — I'll be real with you. The first few hours after a tough loss I'm pretty hard on myself. I get emotionally invested. I replay things. And then eventually I settle into a real space of reflection. I watch the film when it’s ready. I look at what the little HUDL stats and the footage actually tell me rather than what my emotions are saying. And that's where the real growth happens. I love telling my players: “The film doesn’t lie.” As long as you watch with a growth mindset, you’ll be in a much better place.

A Big Mistake People Can Make After a Loss

Pointing fingers.

We see it from coaches. We see it from parents. We see it from players. And it's a good way to ensure that nothing actually gets fixed.

When you start making excuses — when you start looking for someone or something to blame — you lose the ability to solve the actual problem. The ref. The field conditions. That one player who made a mistake. Whatever it is. The moment you point at something outside of yourself you've given up your power to grow.

What I've tried to hammer into every player I've ever coached is this — extreme ownership. Be accountable. Identify the problem honestly. Figure out how to solve it. And then we’ll go from there.

A Moment I've Never Forgotten

When I was playing at the University of Nebraska-Omaha we traveled to play UCLA. We lost 2-1.

I had actually played pretty well that game. But on a corner kick I didn't do my job the way I should have and we gave up a goal. It was a mistake. I owned it. But after the game our coach at the time stood up and put the entire loss on me. In front of everyone. Not a great feeling!

I remember that feeling like it was yesterday.

And I want to be clear — I'm not sharing this story to throw shade on anyone. I'm sharing it because it really helped shaped me as a coach more than I thought it would’ve in that moment. Because here's the truth — so many actions take place in a game. Dozens of moments, decisions, and movements that all contribute to the final result. To take all of that and place it on one person's shoulders isn't accountability. It's not even honest. It's lazy.

Now if a player scored three own goals? Okay, we can have that conversation. But one mistake on a corner kick losing you the game? That's not how it works. And it's definitely not how you build a player who feels safe enough to compete freely and make decisions without fear.

Every time after a hard loss where it would be easy to use someone as a scapegoat, I think back to that day. And I make sure I never do that to my players.

What Good Reflection Can Look Like

Reflect honestly. Not emotionally — honestly.

Give yourself a few hours to feel it. You're human. Losses hurt and that's actually a good sign — it means you care. But once the emotion settles, sit down and ask the real questions. What did the film show? Where were the gaps? What do we need to work on? What do I need to do better?

Then bring it to your team. Not to assign blame but to grow together. The best teams treat losses as information. They look at what happened, they take ownership of their part in it, and they get back to work.

For parents —your job after a tough loss is not to coach your child from the car. It's not to replay every mistake they made on the way home. Your job is to make sure they are honest with themselves, and that’s it. Let them feel the loss. Then let them move on.

The car ride home is not a film session. It's a chance to just be their parent.

For players — don't run from the feeling of losing. Sit in it just long enough to learn something from it. Then let it go. The players who let losses eat at them for days are the same ones who play tight and afraid. The ones who reflect, grow, and move on — those are the ones who get better.

Losing is not the enemy. Losing without learning is.

Reflect. Own it. Grow from it. And get back to work.

That's the best way through.

Next week we're talking about what it was like to be down in Fayetteville, GA for a U14 USYNT mini camp with one of our club players. Really cool environment to be around and I can't wait to share it with you. See you Monday.

— Coach Frim

P.S. — The best thing that ever happened in some of my “best” seasons was a really painful loss early on. Don't waste a good one.