Build Them Back Up.

Last week we talked about how you can't coach everyone the same way. That the feedback you give has to be calibrated to the individual in front of you.

This week we're going deeper. Because knowing that is one thing. Actually delivering hard feedback in a way that sticks — without breaking the person in the process — that's something a lot of us are still figuring out. Myself included.

In the heat of the moment, emotion takes over. A player makes the same mistake for the third time in a row. You've corrected it twice already. And something in you just snaps.

I've been there. More than once.

There was a game a few years ago where one of my players kept making the same mistake over and over. I got really upset and emotional. I got after him — hard — and subbed him off. And in that moment I meant every word of what I was saying to him on the pitch. The standard is the standard.

But here's what happened next that I'll never forget.

My best friend and assistant coach Brian Duax pulled me aside. You have to understand the full picture here — Brian was actually my head coach when I played for Ankeny High School back in 2016. (He’s the one in the first picture of this newsletter) Fast forward to 2022 and he's sitting on the bench next to me as my assistant with my 2008 boys team. Full circle doesn't even begin to cover it.

So Brian looks at me and says — "Hey man, it's okay to be upset and hold him to a high standard. But now it would be wise to sit down and have a conversation with him so you can really help him and let him know you're still there for him."

Simple. Calm. And exactly right.

That moment made me think about every time in my own playing career where someone got on me hard and then just... left me there with it. No follow up. No conversation. Just the criticism hanging in the air. And how different it might have felt if someone had come back and said — I still believe in you.

Here's what I've come to understand. It is completely normal to get emotional as a coach. We are competitors. It’s our passion for the game coming out. It is okay to hold players to a high standard and let them feel the weight of that standard when they fall short of it. That is not the problem.

The part that's easy to forget — and I've forgotten it myself — is going back to build them up after you've torn into them. That missing piece is the difference between feedback that makes a player better and feedback that makes them smaller.

I reflect on every single session and every single game. The design and structure of training, whether we got enough work on the theme, how we performed on game day, and my own interactions with my players throughout all of it. And there have been times — I won't pretend otherwise — where I've recognized that I crossed a line. In those moments I don't just let it go. I address it in front of the team. And then I go to that player privately and we have a deeper conversation.

Every single time I've done that, the player has responded the same way. They appreciate that I hold them to a high standard. They understand it comes from a place of love. It shows them that this is a safe place. That mistakes are allowed here. That growth is the whole point.

That's the environment we're all trying to build. One where players feel confident enough to take risks, make mistakes, and not be afraid of what comes next.

Because here's the thing that gets lost in all the intensity and the high standards and the hard conversations — at the very root of why anyone should be playing this game is because it's fun. It's fun. And if you constantly make someone feel terrible about the thing they're doing, whether that's soccer or anything else in life, you are going to drain the joy right out of it. And when the joy goes, the performance goes with it.

And this last part isn't just for coaches.

Parents — think about the last time your kid had a tough game. Think about what you said on the ride home. Were you building them up or breaking them down? Because that car ride after a game is one of the most powerful moments you have with your child. They're already processing what happened. They don't need a film session. They need to feel safe.

Now I'm not saying you can't be hard on your kid. You absolutely can. Holding them accountable and pushing them to be better is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent. But just like on the field — the follow up matters. Let them know that no matter how the game went, no matter what mistakes they made, you are their biggest supporter. Full stop. That combination of high standards and unconditional support is what builds confident kids who aren't afraid to fail.

My dad understood that better than anyone I've been around. After games he never berated me. He never stood over me and picked apart everything I did wrong. He just wanted me to be honest with myself. That's it. That was his whole feedback philosophy. And it worked because it came without shame.

Whether you're a coach on the sideline or a parent in the stands — the principle is the same. The hard conversation is sometimes necessary. But the follow up is everything.

Next week we're switching it up. I'm going to bring in some voices from coaches and parents in my local community — fresh perspectives, real experiences, different angles on the game. I'm honestly not sure what the topic will be yet, but I figured some of you might be getting a little tired of hearing from me. 😄

Either way — it's going to be worth the read. See you Monday.

— Coach Frim

P.S. — Shoutout to Brian Duax. Best friend, former coach, and still the voice in my ear when I need it most. Everyone needs a Duax in their corner. 🙏